Dear Fellow White People: Please Stop Gaslighting Meghan Markle

A few days ago, CBS aired what promises to be one of the major interviews of the decade – American royalty Oprah interviewing former British royalty, now Cali royalty Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex. Oprah did her magic, and the result was a riveting hour and a half of bombshells and revelations, including that the pressure and attitude Meghan suffered at the hands of the Firm made her suicidal, and, even more disturbingly, that there were discussions about where their biracial child would fall on the Fitzpatrick scale.

Predictably, a media frenzy ensued, neighbor turned on neighbor, marriages broke apart, Piers ‘Misogyny’ Morgan had a sissy fit and left his network. Seriously, everyone and their grandmother (royal pun intended) have been high on this thing for days. I even overheard three geriatric French people discussing Markle in the market of a small provincial French town (very à la Beauty and the Beast, I know). The whole thing looked like a high school gossip session, with the male member of the bunch exclaiming, ‘She is such an actress! It was all Hollywood acting!’. Unsurprisingly, a large chunk of people was not happy about the couple’s revelations (these people obviously don’t care about a potential Season 7 of The Crown!). Am I a Meghan Markle superfan? No, she sometimes annoys me and she’s such a goody two shoes that it makes me feel inadequate (though I do enjoy the fashion moments). But I have been disturbed by two broad themes that seem to run though a lot, if not most, of the Meghan Markle coverage of the past few years – misogyny and racism. Now, I could talk about misogyny all day, but this post will be about the ‘R’ word, dreaded by definitely not racist white people the world over. Caveat: I’m not an expert on racism, history, social sciences, nor am I and activist, I’m a totally layperson, but let’s face it – some shit is so obvious that you don’t have to be an expert to recognize it.

During the interview, Oprah questioned the royal pair about why Archie wasn’t given a title, and Meghan said that there were ‘concerns and conversations about how dark his skin might be when he’s born.’ Harry declined to reveal who made the comments but said that it was awkward, and he was ‘a bit shock’ (no shit). After the interview aired, the couple asked Oprah to clarify that the comments did not emanate from Her Majesty the Queen or Prince Born-With-A-Foot-In-His-Mouth Phillip.

Woooooah, did this bit make people lose their shit! After seeing how news outlets and people reacted to this portion of the interview, I couldn’t help but wonder (Carry Bradshaw style) – why are we (and by ‘we’ I mean anyone who is white) so quick to question Black people’s racist experiences? Like, seriously, why are so many people worried that Markle has accused the British monarchy of being racist when it’s hardly a surprise. After all, they did colonize half the world, Princess Something of Something of Kent wore a blackamoor brooch to her first meeting with Meghan, and apart from Harry, the family has never addressed the horribly racist commentary aimed at Markle. Plus, let’s not forget, the British royal family is exempt by law from the 2010 Equality Act that protects people from workplace discrimination based on, among other things, race. Is it really so crazy to imagine that the institution could, potentially, be just a teeny tiny bit racist, or, at the very least, racially insensitive? (Like, seriously, did Prince William’s ‘We are very much not a racist family' not sound ridiculous to you?) Yet, so many (white) people are questioning Meghan and Harry’s statements on this point – did someone really say that? but how can we know if the person meant it in a racist way? when a biracial baby is on the way, it’s only natural to wonder what they will look like! (on this point – please watch this commentary by Don Lemon) but that’s just one comment, it doesn’t mean the whole palace is racist! what if it was said by some hundred-year-old duke who doesn’t know better? the Queen is such a formidable woman, this is such an insult! where is the proof? she said someone made the comment when she was pregnant, Harry said it was before they were married, AHA!, they’re lying!

With all due respect, a Black woman (fine, she’s mixed race, but what has that got to do with anything? why is your brain even policing how Black someone is?) is better placed to identify racism than any white person. Because, unfortunately for her, she is much more well-placed to experience racism. White people are not well-placed to see racism because it is not aimed at them. Because it doesn’t affect them. Because (duh) they are white. To anyone who at this juncture wants to say – but there is reverse discrimination! but white people are also poor! but I’ve also faced discrimination – please read up on the difference between discrimination in general and systemic centuries-long racism and then we’ll talk. Your experiences are valid, I am sure, but they are not the same thing as race-based discrimination that has plagued and held back communities for generations. Also, racism does not cancel out other types of discrimination against Black and white people alike.

Not seeing or recognizing racism or systemic discrimination has happened to me too, on multiple occasions. One of my English tutors back home was an African American man named George. At the time, he was, almost literally, the only Black man in Latvia. We would talk, and he’d tell me how racist everyone was, and I would say, ‘George, I’m sure some people are racist dicks, but most Latvians have never met a Black person before. It’s not racism, it’s ignorance and curiosity.’ Guess, what, it was racism, I was just young, dumb, and privileged. Another time, I had just moved to Paris and I was talking to a Jewish crush from my Harvard days. I was telling him how amazing Paris was and how great living in France was. He said he almost went some years ago with a bunch of friends, but his parents freaked out because of the rampant anti-Semitism and he didn’t end up going last minute. ‘Oh, they’re just exaggerating’, I said, ‘there’s a whole Jewish neighborhood in Paris and it’s beloved by everyone! I’ve never seen anything anti-Semitic here.’ ‘Yeah,’ he replied, ‘you wouldn’t have because you are not Jewish.’(point of pride sidenote – thanks to 23&me I recently discovered that I am, in fact, almost a quarter Jewish and am currently tracking down potential ancestors, I’m very excited!) And he was absolutely right – why would I, a tall, Scandi-looking blonde girl have ever had anything anti-Semitic directed at me? It would have to have been at the hands of a very blind anti-Semite. I’m sharing these experiences because I get it – I get how you can not see things happening to other people because they have never happened and will never happen to you.

The way to deal with this unfortunate reality is to perform a credibility check on your own beliefs and reactions. I apply the following basic formula: if a Black person tells me that X or what Y said is racist, I believe them. And that’s exactly what you should do with Meghan’s statement that she and her son encountered racism within the royal family. Yet, it seems that many people are extremely invested in protecting a 1200-year-old monarchy, a senior member of which is currently embroiled in a pedophilia scandal. You (and by ‘you’ I mean anyone who is white) can question a lot of things brought up by Harry and Meghan in their Oprah interview – whether they had the right to expect security when they were no longer working royals (IMHO – yes), whether Markle should have revealed that Kate Middleton made her cry and not vice-versa (I’m all for setting that record straight), or whether Meghan really did not Google Harry (now this one I find a little hard to believe). But the one thing you should not, cannot question is whether Meghan Markle experienced racism at the hands of the Firm.

It’s not your place, and it’s not your call. Just freaking believe her! She is Black and she was there! You do not have to launch into a full-on investigation into a Black person’s allegation that they experienced something racist. This is not a trial. You are not a judge, you’re not even the jury. Maybe it wouldn’t stand up in a court of law, maybe it would. Maybe the racist thing that came out of someone’s mouth really was just ignorance, or just really not well thought-out, maybe it wasn’t. It’s not your job to decide that. If I told you that I stayed at the Four Seasons (the hotel, not the Philadelphia landscaping company) and absolutely hated it – the service was shit, the bed was uncomfortable, the food was awful – you’d just take my statement at face value. You wouldn’t spend hours trying to convince me that no, I would not have possibly had a bad experience at the Four Seasons because it’s a world-renowned hotel with the best of everything. You’d just say, ‘Woah, that’s a bummer, I thought it was a great hotel and all my past experiences there have been great. Sorry it was so bad for you!’ This response makes sense because, because you were not there, and it did not happen to you. Nor are you (in the most likely scenario) a member of the Four Seasons empire, so there’s really no reason for you to take it super personally either. I’m sure that Meghan has had enough life experience to tell when something is R-rated and when it isn’t.

Why are people so invested in convincing the world that the British Royal family is not racist? Like, the Queen is nice and all, and she was great in The Crown, but come on. I think it’s because white people are uncomfortable with other white people being called racist (and who’s whiter than the British Royal family?) because it means they could be ‘attacked’ as well. And how unfair would that be, because of course they are not racist, not even one bit! They have Black friends, they voted for Obama, they donated to BLM.

You know what, I have accepted that practically all white people are racist to an extent, myself included. Not Hitler or Jim Crow-level racist but possessing some unchecked racist opinions and/or acting in ways that are driven by unchecked racist opinions. And most often, white people are completely unaware of it (often willfully), and therein lies the problem. As long as you don’t acknowledge something, as long as you ignore it, you can pretend that it doesn’t exist. What do I mean when I say that I am also racist? Like most white people, I don’t hold Nazi views, I am not a KKK member, I believe in liberal values and I do not engage in racist activities nor hold intellectual racist opinions. But I was born in a tiny super white and super homogenous Northern European country (all of our minorities were white; even the region I am from – the Baltic – translates to “white”), and I myself am white. I did not grow up in a diverse place and I have acquired all of my life experience as a white woman. I accept that there are times when my gut reaction to something will be motivated by the cultural racism and the homogenous whiteness I was marinated in as a child. It may be the tiniest thing, something that will never leave my head, something that I will never act on. But it’s there. Maybe I will automatically not sit next to someone of a different race on public transport, maybe I will wonder if someone gave me exact change at the supermarket, maybe I will not really like a celebrity without being able to tell you why. Stuff like that comes from racism. Again, it’s not Hitler-esque but it’s there. And it’s my job to deal with it and get rid of it, or, at the very least, ensure that it never affects anyone in a meaningful way. I try to actively work on that all the time – I try to be aware of when it happens and train my brain to not do it. Whenever I have a weird irrational thought that could only arise out of some sort of racist prejudice, I sit with it – I imagine that the cashier was white, would I wonder if they’re cheating me out of 5 cents? if the person on the bus were white, dressed exactly the same, would I be more likely to sit next to them? if the actress were white and everything else about here were the same, would she get on my nerves just as much? After analyzing things for long enough, your brain will start to course correct, and you will begin to weed out the racism innate in your mind.

If Meghan Markle rubs you the wrong way, annoys you, or if you just don’t like her face, you may want to ask yourself why that is. I was discussing the Harry and Meghan interview with a British friend of mine (in general, not the racism bit). This person told me how the Middletons had been prepping Kate to seduce Prince William, how she wormed her way into his heart by wearing a see-through dress at a fashion show she knew he’d be attending and even by adopting some of Diana’s mannerisms. They knew all this to be absolutely true because a friend of a friend’s went to St. Andrews the same year as Kate and William and was there to witness the whole thing. When I asked what they thought about the interview, they went off on what an actress Meghan was, how the public hated her for good reason, how she had no business making any allegations against the royal family etc. ‘Why don’t you like her?’, I asked. ‘Well, because she’s manipulative, she’s a divorcee, she took Harry away from his family!’ It stunned me a little that this person had just told me the Kate Middleton story with such glee (‘Oh, the Middletons were extremely ambitious!’), as they themselves were a divorcee, and, somehow, the fact that Prince Harry is a grown thirty-fucking-six-year-old man did not matter to them at all. Somehow, I feel it’s very unlikely that they have ever taken a moment to ask themselves why Markle gets on their nerves to the extent she does.

Look, maybe you don’t like Markle because of totally legit reasons. Or maybe it’s not her race but the fact that the media builds up women just to tear them down later – who has not hated Anne Hathaway because she is ‘too nice’? – see Jameela Jamil on this. I’m not saying that if you don’t like Meghan Markle you are a racist piece of shit. All I’m saying is that a) as a white person, you are most definitely not the best arbiter for what constitutes racism, therefore you should not question Markle’s statement that she faced racism in the British Royal family (or any other Black person’s experience of racism) because it’s not your place to do so; and b) if you ‘just can’t stand her’ for no real reason, ask yourself why to make sure that your opinion of her is not influenced by that one cockroach in your brain that you’ve not yet exterminated.

If, after reading this, your conclusion is ‘this is cancel culture! no one can say anything about anyone anymore!’ – no, people can still say things about other people, just not racist things.